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parody
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NEGATIVE Gs - Old habits die hard
by The Soupdragon
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January 31, 2009
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Some people succeed in giving-up smoking in January,
but many quickly gravitate back to the habit after only days
or weeks. Sometimes when we feel stressed or uncertain it is
too easy to revert to old habits, in spite of the growing
evidence against what once went unquestioned by the majority.
As if to illustrate the dangers of smoking, the latest satellite
from NASA, nicknamed Nicotine, and sponsored by pro-smoking group,
CancerIsCool, plunged back to earth and landed in the most public
of places, Trafalgar Square, London. Fortunately, only two pigeons
were killed, and a third is being treated for smoke inhalation.
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Satellite Nicotine plunges into Trafalgar Square. Miraculously, no-one was injured.
Image credit: Cate Gillon/Getty Images
[Click to enlarge]
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A spokesman from CancerIsCool, William Liher, attempted to pour
cold water on the situation. “There
is no need for alarm,” he said. “All
the evidence against smoking is based on meaningless statistics. Furthermore,
I think Einstein smoked, and look how smart he was.”
A spokesman for NASA, Hugh Jass, seemed more concerned:
“I just can't understand it. It's almost as if our gravitational
models are inadequate, and for so long we had considered them infallible.
We have lost too many satellites now, and many others have suffered
anomalous accelerations. It could be back to the drawing board!”
Liher offered Jass a cigarette by way of consolation:
“I've given up on gravity” Jass refused.
“Gravity?” questioned Liher.
“Sorry, I meant cigarettes” corrected Jass.
A spokesman for Oxford University, Piers Review, claimed that Hugh
Jass is being alarmist, and that gravitational models are just
fine. “There is probably a perfectly
simple explanation for all the gravitational anomalies,”
he claimed. “The satellites may have
simply been struck by Nomadic Dark Matter.”
When asked if this might also explain the electromagnetic anomalies, he
responded in the negative: “No, that
would probably be dark energy, which is very similar, and yet very
different.”
Hugh Jass, who has recently given-up smoking, was anxious to explain that
dark matter and dark energy have nothing to do with cigarette tar.
“Quite true,” agreed Piers
Review. “We have absolutely no idea what dark
matter and dark energy are, although we know what they are not, and we
also know that they must be out there somewhere in order to balance our
mathematical equations, which couldn't possibly be wrong.”
When pressed and asked if smoking and gravitational theory could both
be wrong, Piers Review just laughed: “Of
course not. Smoking some chemicals can help really intelligent people like
me understand complex mathematical abstractions like space-time
curvature.” He smirked again, before adding,
“most people probably just wouldn't
understand.”
Report by David True
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For further investigations of these themes The Soupdragon recommends:
Plasma Cosmology.net
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