The Global Problem of Turbulence Cooling
Dec 11, 2009

[Chairman] "This session of the Rotterdam Congress on Global Turbulence Cooling in the year of our Lord 1647 will now come to order. [Gavel strikes] Before the initial period of testimony and investigation begins, the chair recognizes brief opening remarks by Mijnheer de Dokter Jut Om Brom, the leading expert on windmill effects in climate change.

"Mijnheer Om Brom has been studying the significant lowering of European temperatures since 1612, and has concluded that the then recent introduction of windmill pumping stations around the Netherlands, with their subsequent adoption in other countries as grain processors and irrigation devices for croplands, has led to an increase in wind turbulence throughout Europe and Western Asia.

"Dutch scientists have been sounding the alarm about global turbulence cooling since it was realized in the last decade that a decline in cereal grain production, as well as the freezing of previously clear winter shipping lanes, is causing food shortages and population shifts to become serious threats to future prosperity.

"Mijnheer Om Brom if you please." [Applause from the panel and from the assembly]

[Om Brom] "Thank-you Mijnheer President. Thank-you members of this august body. As you all know, the windmill has come to symbolize the technological achievements of the Dutch inventive spirit. With the windmill, new lands have come to exist, raised up out the ocean, itself. The outstretched sails of a great wooden windmill represent the triumph of ingenuity over the forces of Nature that resist our growth. Other cultures have created new uses for the windmill, increasing the quality of foodstuffs, and developing more efficient ways to cultivate their land holdings.

"However, with the windmill has come an unforeseen circumstance. As this chart indicates, temperature readings over the last thirty years from the steps of Saint Laurens Church right here in Rotterdam, show a steep decline when compared to those taken in the middle of the last century by the previous clergymen.

"A team of internationally funded research scientists are now suggesting that it is the windmills that are causing this downward trend because of additional air turbulence generated by the vanes. As can be demonstrated by these graphed equations, turbulence is a direct result of spinning vanes and propagates outward, influencing the movement of surrounding airflow patterns.

"These equations have been vetted by a number of independent study groups who agree that, with some adjustments for North Sea ice increases, along with a slightly warmer Mediterranean Ocean, the turbulence causes regional cooling. Although the models are complex, it is indisputable that human-made windmills will soon result in a global cooling crisis.

"As the airflow becomes more chaotic, it is unable to hold sufficient heat, allowing that heat to dissipate. When heat dissipation increases, turbulence increases, resulting in an ever greater heat loss. We expect that within the next century, perhaps within the next ten to twenty years, turbulence will become so great that nonstop cold winds will cause an overall freezing of our country, eventually chilling the remainder of the continent."

[Chairman] "Very disturbing conclusions, Mijnheer Om Brom. What do you suggest as a course of action?"

[Om Brom] "I have no other conclusion to offer than that an immediate program of windmill reduction be instituted. Also, because the major contributors to global turbulence are those who create the windmills, sell them and install them, I think that those nations who make the most use of windmills should be required to offset that use by buying 'turbulence credits' from non-windmill nations. In that way, the non-windmill using countries may continue to increase their economic development, while not contributing to further turbulence.

"Here is my Spanish colleague, Mijnheer Don Quixote to explain his views. He has already begun a private program that he hopes will result in fewer windmills in his own country. He has need for additional funding in order to carry that cause further."

[Chairman] "The chair recognizes Mijnheer Don Quixote."

[Don Quixote] "Gracias Senor Presidente. I have long desired to leave my village and take up the profession of knighthood, for I am spurred on by the conviction that the world needs my immediate presence. The order of knight-errantry was instituted to defend maidens, to protect widows, and to rescue orphans and distressed persons. Neither fraud, nor deceit, nor malice has yet interfered with truth and plain dealing."

[Chairman] "I understand, Mijnheer Quixote, that you have been engaged especially in a campaign to destroy as many windmills as you can find. It is a strong stand, yet may not be the most effective political posture."

[Don Quixote] "Truly I was born to be an example of misfortune, and a target at which the arrows of adversary are aimed."

[Chairman] "Is it your contention that these facts about global turbulence are true and deserve the maximum response?"

[Don Quixote] "Facts are the enemy of truth. God, Who provides for all, will not desert us; especially being engaged, as we are, in His service."

[Chairman] "Thank-you Mijnheer Quixote. And thank-you Mijnheer de Dokter Om Brom."


Stephen Smith

Thanks to Cj Ransom for the idea.

Editor's note: Don Quixote's words are from the book, "El Ingenioso Hidalgo don Quijote de la Mancha" by Miguel de Cervantes.