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NEGATIVE Gs - Old habits die hard
by The Soupdragon

January 31, 2009
Some people succeed in giving-up smoking in January, but many quickly gravitate back to the habit after only days or weeks. Sometimes when we feel stressed or uncertain it is too easy to revert to old habits, in spite of the growing evidence against what once went unquestioned by the majority.

As if to illustrate the dangers of smoking, the latest satellite from NASA, nicknamed Nicotine, and sponsored by pro-smoking group, CancerIsCool, plunged back to earth and landed in the most public of places, Trafalgar Square, London. Fortunately, only two pigeons were killed, and a third is being treated for smoke inhalation.
Satellite Nicotine plunges into Trafalgar Square
Satellite Nicotine plunges into Trafalgar Square. Miraculously, no-one was injured.
Image credit: Cate Gillon/Getty Images
[Click to enlarge]
A spokesman from CancerIsCool, William Liher, attempted to pour cold water on the situation. “There is no need for alarm,” he said. “All the evidence against smoking is based on meaningless statistics. Furthermore, I think Einstein smoked, and look how smart he was.”

A spokesman for NASA, Hugh Jass, seemed more concerned:
“I just can't understand it. It's almost as if our gravitational models are inadequate, and for so long we had considered them infallible. We have lost too many satellites now, and many others have suffered anomalous accelerations. It could be back to the drawing board!”
Liher offered Jass a cigarette by way of consolation:
“I've given up on gravity” Jass refused.
“Gravity?” questioned Liher.
“Sorry, I meant cigarettes” corrected Jass.
A spokesman for Oxford University, Piers Review, claimed that Hugh Jass is being alarmist, and that gravitational models are just fine. “There is probably a perfectly simple explanation for all the gravitational anomalies,” he claimed. “The satellites may have simply been struck by Nomadic Dark Matter.”

When asked if this might also explain the electromagnetic anomalies, he responded in the negative: “No, that would probably be dark energy, which is very similar, and yet very different.”

Hugh Jass, who has recently given-up smoking, was anxious to explain that dark matter and dark energy have nothing to do with cigarette tar. “Quite true,” agreed Piers Review. “We have absolutely no idea what dark matter and dark energy are, although we know what they are not, and we also know that they must be out there somewhere in order to balance our mathematical equations, which couldn't possibly be wrong.”

When pressed and asked if smoking and gravitational theory could both be wrong, Piers Review just laughed: “Of course not. Smoking some chemicals can help really intelligent people like me understand complex mathematical abstractions like space-time curvature.” He smirked again, before adding, “most people probably just wouldn't understand.”

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