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Lucky It Ain't Rocket Science II - The Sequel (LIARS II)


Another example of where the peer-review process has taken us over the past 50 years of gravity-only cosmology, to the exclusion of the Electric Universe.

My comments in [square brackets]

From New Scientist 10 January 2008
Middleweight black holes roam the galaxy undetected [Oxymoronic heading]

19:43 10 January 2008 news service
David Shiga, Austin [again irreverently reviewed by David Smith]

Hundreds of middleweight black holes may rove unseen through the galaxy [the lightweight and heavyweight one's stay put] after being evicted from their homes [like rebellious teenagers] in star clusters, according to calculations [of what, exactly?]. The black holes would be almost impossible to spot, [almost?] explaining why they have proven so elusive to find [if you ignore their non-existance].

Astronomers [mathematicians] have good evidence [have fudged the figures] for the existence of small black holes about as massive as the Sun, [four days ago you said small ones were about as massive as a comet] and colossal ones with masses of millions or billions of Suns. But observers [of math] have made only a few tentative detections [or a few speculations] of intermediate-mass black holes (IMBHs), weighing about 1000 Suns.

Different theories exist to explain the source of these middleweights, [These middleweights are required to prop up our theory] but some astronomers believe they grow from the mergers of stars and black holes [and I believe in the underpants gnome - science should have no room for 'beliefs'] in the densely packed [grey matter] centres of collections of stars called globular clusters. About 150 globular clusters lie in and around the Milky Way galaxy [we thought we'd throw a fact into the mix].

Now, new computer simulations [clearly more accurate than physical observatons] may explain why so few globular clusters appear to host IMBHs. Kelly Holley-Bockelmann of Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee, US, and colleagues say the middleweight black holes get kicked out of their birthplaces [by stuffy parents] to roam the galaxy unseen.

The study was motivated by [future funding prospects] recent groundbreaking simulations [computer games] of mergers between black holes of different masses or spin orientations. The merger generates powerful ripples in space called gravitational waves [which LIGO have successfully non-detected] that kick [with their gravity boots] the newly merged black hole away at speeds of hundreds or even thousands of kilometres per second.

'Totally invisible' ['Totally unbelievable']

Holley-Bockelmann and her team realised that the kicks received when [our funding arrived] middleweight black holes swallowed smaller neighbours could eject them from globular clusters.

The team's simulations [The team's computer games] show that 70 to 98% of the middleweight black holes at the hearts of clusters were ejected, depending on the assumptions used, [it's ALL assumption] such as the mass of the small black holes and the initial mass of the middleweight black hole [we have more variables than you can poke a stick at].

Either way, it would mean a lot [more funding] of middleweight black holes are wandering around our Milky Way galaxy [because we're surrounded by nasty globular clusters all kicking them our way]. "There should be about 100 low-mass, rogue [now these things can exercise free-will] intermediate mass black holes in the Milky Way," Holley-Bockelmann says. "And unless they're accreting gas, they're totally invisible." [They'll eat anything, surely they get gas?...]

If one of these itinerant black holes approached Earth, [we could put our heads between our legs, and kiss ... the world goodbye] its gravity could potentially disturb the orbits of comets [but not asteroids, planets or moons] and turn the solar system into a shooting gallery. But Holley-Bockelmann says ["Woo-hoo! We got the funding!"] the chances of one wandering close enough to do so are vanishingly small [nil]. "We're not in any danger," she says [because she knows it's all baloney].

Millions of orphans [Billions of dollars]

If most of the black holes really do get kicked out of their globular clusters [I'll eat my hat], this could explain why searches have had such difficulty finding them there [a search never found even one, anywhere]. There are no firm detections so far [I rest my case], but a globular cluster called G1 is the best candidate for hosting [an Amway convention in space] a middleweight black hole, based on [the figures we fudged to secure our funding] the motion of stars at its centre, Holley-Bockelmann says.

Craig Wheeler of the University of Texas in Austin, US, who is not a member of the team [who is smart enough not to own up], says it is still not known whether middleweight black holes form in globular clusters in the first place [says he doesn't believe a word of it, he's here for the pie]. But if they do, the newly described effect could well kick many of them out to roam the galaxy alone [and the underpants gnome could well eat my shorts].

He points out that the deaths of stars should also have littered our galaxy with about 100 million smaller black holes [but we've never found one], each a few times as massive as the Sun. "There are undoubtedly vastly more black holes out there than we have observed," he told New Scientist ["1000x0=0," he told New Scientist].

The results were presented on Wednesday at a meeting of [the local comedy club] the American Astronomical Society in Austin, Texas, US.


Yep, they sure are Lucky It Ain't Rocket Science (LIARS...)

Thanks again to New Scientist for making my task so easy

***No funding bodies were harmed during the writing of this parody***


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